Freedom in Forgiveness

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
— Colossians 3:13

Forgive (verb)
for·​give fər-ˈgiv fa-get-ə-bowt-it
1 to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon
forgive one's enemies
2a to give up resentment of or claim to requital
forgive an insult
2b to grant relief from payment of
forgive a debt

Merriam Webster is rather specific about what the word forgive means. Simon-Peter asked Jesus once, “Rabbi, how many times should I forgive a brother? Seven times?” He was showing off and wanted to include a generous answer with the question to show how awesome of a disciple he was. Jesus knocked him down a few pegs by telling his student he should forgive this person, “seventy times seven.” Jesus is not telling us we should forgive four hundred and ninety times, but rather (according to many scholars’ interpretations of the passage) we should forgive always, continuously.

How are we supposed to do that? Since Jesus is telling us to forgive people always, and Paul later reiterates this in his letters, best we take a closer look at Webster’s definition, one point at a time. Remember, too, wherever the word “you” is used, it includes your humble author as well.

1 - to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

The verb cease means to stop doing something. In this case, being angry at or resenting whoever offended you. Is this act of forgiving something done for your offender? Not at all. In fact, unless you say something, the offender does not know you have forgiven them. They have no real part to play in your forgiveness, not really. You are simply choosing not to feel any more resentment toward them or their actions.

I chose once to forgive someone very close to me who had wronged me in very serious ways. Holding onto the hurt and resentment would only hurt me and my relationship with other people over the long run. It was freeing. The reason I bring this up is because I decided to tell this person that I had forgiven their actions. Their response was, “I don’t need your forgiveness, but if it makes you feel better, fine.” The amazing thing is, when I read that I only felt sorry for them. I knew before this short conversation began that it did not matter if they accepted my forgiveness. I simply wanted them to know that even though our relationship as it once stood might be over, there would be no lingering anger or hatred on my part towards them. In the long run, I think that conversation did help both of us. Regardless, I had been set free of a very heavy burden, one that I’d seen many people over the years be crushed beneath the weight of. Paul doesn’t say you have to be best friends with someone who wrongs you, only that you need to let the hurt inside yourself go. It might take time, but you need to cease feeling (and nurturing) that resentment.

2a - to give up resentment of or claim to requital
2b - to grant relief from payment of (forgive a debt)

These are similar enough to consider together. Here, the verb means give up or relinquish. What are you giving up? Any claim you think you might have to “get even” with the offender. Requital means retaliation. Revenge. An eye for an eye is not part of Jesus’ New Covenant. Love is. Consider this: if you take revenge in some way towards the offender, then you have put yourself inside the same sphere of blame they’ve been trapped in. At that point, all you will have done is begin a spiral of offenses. This is how wars begin.

Is the decision to forgo revenge going to affect the person being forgiven? No, because they don’t know. It does take the pressure off you, however. There is no need to chew on the possibility of retaliation, because it is no longer a possibility. You don’t have to do anything. You are free.

Of course, there are consequences to actions. If the offender breaks a law, there might be jail time. If they damage something of value, there might need to be renumeration (I think that’s the right word). But material consequences aside, there is no debt you or I are owed by them. No one has to do anything. We can simply forgive, live in love, just as our Savior has forgiven us. Then move on. With them or without, but free of any attachment to the offense itself.

The basis of our faith and what carries us through dark times is that Jesus literally went through hell and died so we could be forgiven for everything we’ve done, and will do in the future. Not a lot in this world is worse than what he took on himself for our eternal benefit. We are no better than the crowd shouting “Crucify him!” yet he still forgives us, still loves us. That means more than we might ever understand this side of the veil.

One important question before we part. Who is the person being forgiven?

“Really?” you might say. “I thought we are supposed to forgive everyone!” We are. Everyone. That includes ourselves. You MUST forgive you. I MUST forgive me. Read through today’s discussion again, but this time, imagine that the “offender” is you. More often than should be true, the hardest person for us to forgive is ourselves.

I’m such an idiot! How could I have done that? How could I have said that? Why did I have to take that pill, that drink, watch that video? How could I have said those words to my spouse, or my kids. You are weak. You are a foolish old crumb who can’t get along with people. You pompous, egotistical… people are going think you’re…. Why aren’t you better at….

The Bible describes the tongue as a sword that builds up life or gives death. The same can be said of the inner dialog we have inside our minds. We say the cruelest things to ourselves. If we are told in today’s verse to “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Perhaps, we should also read that as, “Bear with and forgive yourself for messing up. Forgive yourself as the Lord forgave you.”

It’s very hard to become the person God wants us to be if we hold resentment and anger towards every mistake and poor decision we have done. We are “fearfully and wonderfully made” by the Creator of the universe. So is our brother and sister. Remember how Jesus sees them, and us, and be ready to let go of the hurt and resentment that insists on being given life in this broken world. Forgive, then be free to go on living for Him.